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From Carla

Clint left for the embassy at 7:30 Thursday morning. Trying not to get my hopes up, I really didn’t expect him to be seen as Thursday is not an advertised day for US citizens to come and we had already received the news that the embassy would be closed on Friday for a Muslim holiday. I’ll keep my comments to myself about thisJ When the clock struck 9:00am and Clint had still not returned, I began to get very hopeful. I thought, “Surely good news is headed our way and possibly even an interview for Monday!” As Clint walked through the door of the B & B, I tried to read his face-good or bad? He said, “I have good news and bad news”. Always one to want the bad out the way first I said, “Tell me the bad”. Clint responded, “We don’t have a visa interview till November 5th”. I shouted, “Well what’s the good then?!” Clint’s response, “We have an interview”. I guess this was the one time when I should have reversed the way I ask for news. To be completely honest, I was devastated and so angry. God, you have got to be kidding me?! I even went so far as to post a stupid comment on facebook about God hating us. Thank goodness it was 2 in the morning at home and not many people saw my stupidity before I came to my senses and deleted the post. Before you all feel the need to go all crazy on me, I know God doesn’t hate us and He has a plan and His timing is perfect and all that jazz. But, in a moment of such anger and the feeling of “God where are you?”it was just what I wanted to write. I did tone my post down a little by saying that Clint and I were experiencing many emotions that weren’t very good. You all were very kind and many of you responded with amazing words of encouragement. Unfortunately, for me and my personality, I didn’t want to hear them. I was sick of the bible verses and sick of hearing about God’s timing and sick of being told to enjoy your time in Uganda. I was sick of it all and I was angry. The only voice that was going to reach me now was the Lord’s. The day dragged on and eventually ZG needed a nap. I laid her down and came back to the living room to check some emails. Not even 30 minutes later, I heard ZG screaming. I ran into the bedroom, picked her up and immediately began to sooth her. Clint stated this in an earlier post, but she really is scared when she wakes up and we aren’t in the room. As she started to calm down, I laid her back down on the bed and we stared at one another-nose to nose. She gently reached out to touch my face, making sure I truly was right there beside her and I wasn’t just a figment of her imagination. I began explaining to her that I didn’t leave her. I was right there. She couldn’t see me because of the doors and walls and hallway but I never left her and I would never ever leave her. Here I am, stroking her sweet little face as her tiny little hand touches my cheek and explaining that I love her and didn’t leave her and will never leave her and the Lord speaks to me, “Carla, I love you and I didn’t leave you and I will never leave you. Just reach out and take my hand-I’m here.” Hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. Now that I’m a mother, I think the Lord will always use ZG to help me understand. My love for her is the only way He can help me understand just a tiny bit of His huge love for me. I know the Lord didn’t leave me, but I couldn’t see Him because of the walls and the doors and the hallway. You see, my walls, doors, and hallway are my constant thoughts about coming home. They consume all of my time and my energy, not leaving any room for me to see the Lord. I still don’t understand His timing and it still sucks that we have been here so long when all we want to do is introduce ZG to her family. Thankfully though, with God moments like those, it sucks a little less and the fact that I don’t understand His timing doesn’t hurt quite as much. Thank you God for speaking to me when I don’t want to listen to anyone else and when I don’t deserve to hear Your voice. I love you and I give you all the praise and all the glory. I know you are here and I know you will never leave me, even when I wander away from you. I pray now for peace and rest and trust in Your timing. Amen.

Comments

  1. Amazing, sister... I love your honesty. Praying persistently for you sweet friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chills.... God showing Himself throughout that precious little one.

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