It is currently 8:23 pm here in Uganda. I’m sitting here in bed under our mosquito net canopy listening to the even breathing of my amazing husband and watching our baby girl sleep sweetly in her pink and white striped bunny onesie while she clutches her soft lamb blanket and continually sucks her thumb. These are my favorite moments-the ones where I get to watch the ones I love so much and see them at complete peace. I am thankful for these moments, but if I am honest with myself, must admit that I want this peace too. The last few days have been filled with restlessness. The kind of restlessness like when you’ve been riding in a car for hours upon hours without stopping and you think, “If I don’t get out of this car soon, I’m going to scream!” That’s exactly how I feel. I could literally lie down and throw the biggest fit you’ve ever seen. I want to kick and scream “why”, “Why is this taking so long”, “why don’t we have the written ruling yet”, “why does the dog bark all night outside our window”, “why do we have to let ZG’s biological mom hold her”, “why can’t we just go home”, “why is it always so stinking hot”, “Why are the roads so freaking bumpy”, “why do we have to pretend we are all great and wonderful when we aren’t, “why, why, why?!” You might be wondering, “Has God answered?”
In an earlier post, Clint talked about our trip to Haiti and our introduction to listening prayer. Just like Clint, I too experienced the “dark chasm”. Every morning our team would pray and every morning I would get nada from the Lord. Team member after team member would share these wonderful things that the Lord had given them concerning the day or the trip and, for three days straight, I had to answer that I had gotten nothing. Man did I want to hear from the Lord and not only hear from Him, but be 100% sure of His voice and not my thoughts. Finally on day 4, I got a bible verse: Jeremiah 5:2 “though they sing praises in your name, they swear it falsely”. Being absolutely certain I made this up and hearing that it didn’t go along with any of the other things the team was sharing, I kept quiet about what I received during prayer. Our team split for the day, with half of us going to a school in the community and the other half going on a prayer walk. I, of course, opted for the school. At lunch we all met back up and I asked my friend Brooke how the prayer walk had gone. She started telling me that they had found a church where the people were singing worship songs. Upon entering the church, they instantly knew something wasn’t right; these people were not worshiping the Lord. The Lord immediately confirmed the verse He had given me that morning. Sadly, at 28 years old, this is my first memory of truly hearing the Lord’s voice. Well of course I was hooked. I wanted to hear from the Lord like that every day!!
That’s not exactly how things have gone but I can tell you that in the last two years, my confidence in my ability to “hear” the Lord’s voice has improved tremendously. I love to speak with my Father and listen to His voice. He never fails to show His love, call me His daughter, and tell me exactly what I need to hear. My favorite is when the Lord literally interrupts my thoughts in mid-sentence. Tonight, after about the fourth “why” question, the Lord interrupted me again. “My daughter, do you trust me?” Yes Lord, I do. “Do you trust me?” Yes Lord, I do. “Then stop.” “I am here.” These are the five words I’m going to cling to when I want to kick and scream and panic that this process will never end. These are the words that offer some peace during the greatest time of homesickness I’ve ever experienced. These are the words that are going to keep me plugging away. I know that He is with me. There’s no way I would still be sane if He wasn’t.
My prayer is to die to self. These are selfish thoughts and they are keeping me from what the Lord wants to show me every day. Satan strategically uses these thoughts to ruin moments when I could put away my selfish desires and negative thoughts and focus on someone else. It was easier to do the first week and even into the second, but as we finish up week three here in Uganda, my selfish thoughts and questions are continually louder than the Lord’s soft still voice. I know this is a lesson the Lord is teaching me. Is it hard? Absolutely!! I don’t like this lesson-I don’t want to learn this lesson right now. Funny how the Lord doesn’t ask us when we want to learn hard lessons. Ha. Clint seems so much better at this than me. He has such a servant’s heart and I’m overcome with emotion that the Lord has chosen this man to be my husband. Clint has been my rock, my source of laughter, my listening ear, and my encourager. Again, the Lord has given me exactly what I need and want, showing me His grace and goodness when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. My only choice is to try to love others the way He loves me, putting aside my selfish desires. That is my prayer for tomorrow. That is what I will rest in.
More at peace,
One less restless parent